The Struggles of Being a Creative with a Brain too Fast and Overwhelmed to Comprehend
Or, the Reasons why it Takes me Forever to do Anything
Yesterday I wrote this in my journal: “My neurodivergent mind sucks. It races, has too many thoughts, and none can go! It feels selfish to hold onto all of them, and I feel guilty about all of this.
“How did my brain get this way? How do I fix it? Is there something wrong with me? Don’t worry, these thoughts will return tomorrow, a rerun for a weary mind.
“There are long moments of clarity followed by a busy highway, where it’s all hard to grasp. No, I’m not in a car, I’m the god watching it all, helpless to stop it, helpless to look away. I have no choice, I have to watch.
“If God is real, they have to have anxiety watching all of us, all of this, all of these things they’ve created make everything worse. God is neurodivergent. I can’t see how they’re not.”
Welcome to my brain.
The way in which some religions peddle everyone as God’s perfect lil creations fucking annoys me. Even the construction of that last sentence annoys me. It’s not perfect, it could be rewritten, but I don’t have the energy, because a neurodivergent brain is one that is firing on all cylinders but has no gas in it. It’s an absurd concept, a series of, fuck, I’ve just lost the word for it… give me a second… contradictions (phew! found it)1.
Again, welcome to my brain. I have brain failure.
If you’ve ever met me in real life, I’ve probabl… sorry, just got distracted there for a second, and clicked on another webpage that I have opened cuz I’m either overwhelmed by what I’m doing or I need to do something new for a second. This is the way I am with most things that I do: from reading, to playing video games, to watching movies, to masturbating, to you name it, I seem like a very distracted person. Oh yeah, my original point… If you’ve ever met me (which most of you haven’t), I’ve most likely been wearing headphones. I never knew why, until a few years ago. They’re a portable safe space. I used to tell myself it’s because I consume so much media, and I do… sorry, distracted again, but in a world filled with so much noise, it’s always important to drown it out. They’re a walking stick for my ears.
I also believe I have dermatillomania, which is a form of OCD in which I pick my skin. It’s an impulse… fuck, can I stop getting distracted!2 I only just discovered that I probably have this from a song called “Dermatillomania” by Laura Stevenson, a singer/songwriter from New York. The album it’s from, The Big Freeze, was served up to me by the Spotify algorithm. What drew me to it? It was the album’s cover featuring a photo of Stevenson looking absolutely cute and adorable in a big furry hat. The album is fucking incredible, one that I return to when I can remember to. If you ever read this, Laura, thank you for writing a song that caused me to look up its title in order to understand what it meant, which ultimately led me to understand myself a little better. Also, I really like that song, too.3
I write all of this to tell you that I feel guilty that my brain makes everything I work on take forever.4 Somedays I have to stop myself because I just get frustrated working on anything because my brain can’t handle it. And at the end of it all, I’m not sure if I’m apologizing to you or to my brain. I have a lot of really cool ideas, and I thought this was one of them. A look into the mind.
If you’ve read all of this, thank you. I appreciate it. My brain is weird, and some days I can’t handle how weird it is. Sometimes you just need to be vulnerable with strangers on the internet.
Thanks again… and welcome to my brain.
I seriously did just forget the word “contradictions” for about 20 seconds. I hate that my brain does it.
Literally just stopped writing so that I could purchase a Cooper Falling Body Photo T-shirt from Richard Ramsdell, who created the original photo back in 1981.
Since my last distraction, I have clicked on so many other webpages while trying to write this thing, also updated the Spotify app on my computer, and I started listening to The Big Freeze.
God, that’s such a stupid sentence, but maybe, kind of endearing? I don’t know.
I’m neurodivergent, although I use the term neurodiverse more often. I bet a lot of us who have found your work so endearing and valuable are. Being annoyed at your brain is super legit and also your brain is part is what makes you so interesting. I can’t imagine how inflexible a world of only neurotypical folks would be. It can suck to be on the fringe but it is also cool. It sounds trite maybe, but I think you’re cool, and neurodivergence is part of why. Cheers.